


m!preg in the most scientific sense

by ectotwinks



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dark Crack, Doomed Timelines, Futanari, Hermaphrodites, Implied Mpreg, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, References to Drugs, Saving the World, Serious, Surgery, TW - Drinking, TW - Drugs Mention, fucking deep shit, ultimate dirk, yet not serious at the same time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:27:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21883726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ectotwinks/pseuds/ectotwinks
Summary: "> You better do your damned best. Anyways, I think I've kept you disturbed long enough.> ...> Good fucking luck, kid."A story in which Dave Strider gets surgery to bear children.
Relationships: Implied Vriska/Terezi - Relationship, Jake English/Dirk Strider, John Egbert/Dave Strider, Terezi Pyrope/Vriska Serket, implied jake/dirk
Comments: 5
Kudos: 5





	m!preg in the most scientific sense

one day there was a dude. he was super cool. like you cant even fucking believe how cool this fuckin dude was man. anyways this dude also had a passion for world problems. and one major world problem that he studied was underpopulation. now. the reason underpopulation is a problem is because too many women are deciding not to have children. this is kinda unfortunate? therefore enter mister david elizabeth strider the second. but we’re just gunna call him dave :)

anyways dave is THE GUY we were talking about before.

“john,” dave said to his best bro-dude-boy-friend-notgay-notgayatall, “how do you think i can fix this terrible underpopulation dillema. i need to pitch in bro”

john chuckled a little. “well i dont know! maybe you could get surgery to have babies,” john said jokingly, jabbing dave with elbow (not his elbow just some random elbow he picked up)

“this is wonderful, john. you’re a genius” dave announced.

“uh????? okay i guess haha” john replied a little confused

“anyways goodbye now john. i have a population crisis to fix”

——

“wow haha i have no idea what that dude is on about this time” a small man said to himself. this small mans name is john egbert. he is small and a little stupid. but thats okay, hes sexy which makes up for the lack of brain matter.

john walks to the kitchen counter to make some food because honestly he was kinda hungy. hungy and prepared to make a fuckin food baby. if dave could make a real baby somehow then john can bless this gods green earth with a food baby.

john made some pasta because pasta has lots of carbohydrates and he was pretty sure babies need those. anyways its not like hes really making a food baby it’s a joke because he is stupid. john is dumb

anyways john heard dave leave the house which was honestly a little weird but he doesn’t control that man. pretty sure nobody does. dave is very independent. extremely self reliant. it’s honestly very respectable.

after john finished cooking and eating his pasta, he turned on one of his favourite tv shows. actually it was a movie. he loves this movie so much but the issue is he can only watch it on netflix. it’s so important of a movie to him that he wants 20 dvds printed as well as 13 digital copies (the movie is death note live action btw

———

dave rushed into the hospital “help” he plead.

“i have a world to save”

“Okay Sir Please Sit Down You’re Acting Funny” a very serious, stoic and generally well put together woman advised dave.

“well okay lady but can i tell u what i need tonight”

“Do You Have An Appointment?” the lady responded back, a sting of judgement in her voice.

“why yes, i scheduled it five minutes ago fooooor”

dave paused

he paused.a little longer

okay now its go time

“now. i must go to doctor serket’s room.”

———

now okay imagine this. dave is in a hospital rolm BUT its not a normal one their is CREEPY SPIDERS. probably not safe for a hospifal room hih? well thats ok bc the doctor who owns this room is one VRISKA SERKET and she does not care for RULES they are made to be broken. by who? why her of course. she is to be the one sole rule breaker of all time, ever and always. anyone else just needs to deal with it

except ms terezi across the hall she can break rules too but only when vriska says so. vriska makes the rules. suck it up buttercup

“alright sucker what are you here for i forgot”

“dude didnt i call you to set an appointment like five minutes ago lmao”

“oh right ur the baby guy.” vriska said with a frown “ur weird lol”

“wow okay discrimination against customers thats fine” dave remarked

“anyways my friend terezi the surgeon lady will do the procedue on yoh because honestly all i know how to do js flu shots and vaccines and i think im gonna be fired soon because so many moms across the world are deciding to forfiet vaccines. while you get ur surgery ill go cry in the corner bye dave”

“okay?????? haha bye” dave mentally promises to never vaccine his future children. they might turn out crazy like vriska

———

john is assleep. actually john and dave do not live only alone. they are living in a big house. there are some girls and another guy there. theres actually two guys but im the other guy so.

the two girls are jade and jane. jade is a silly girl but not silly like john, she is smart silly, she knows what shes doing is silly and does it anyways but john is just dumb. jane likes to cook, she is a cooking girl. cooking mama. those games are fun

also there is a boy. his name is jake english. he is stupid like john but he is also an asshole and is very attractive. like super attractive. god jake wow

anyways. these three four something hooligans live Alongside john and the dave. while dave was gone, and john was asleep, they all started baking cookies. not for any reason but jake was like haha cookies and jane being the doormat she is and jade being his sister they decided they just had to make cookies for him you know. the struggles of not being the main character in an anime i guess :/ fat f. 

“alright the cookies are done i guess” jane said with a sigh. she is tired. tired from holding up the entirety of homestuck. god she is tired. she’s the only decent character. actually haha jk jane is kinda stinky :/:/ (jane if ur reading this im sorry i didnt mean it ill buy you a new baking spoon tommorow please forgive me)

due to this societal pressure and the constant looming stress to be better than anyone else in her peer group, she just started fucking screaming. belting out. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGHHHH!!!

“oh good golly my stars are you okay?!?” jake exclaimed as jake usually does because he is a stupid himbo.

“yes i am fine don’t worry about me” jane said, post-scream

“okay haha good i recon we can be best friends now right yeah hahaha good good oh my i dont even attempt to take a gander at what my life would end up like without you my best CHUM bu my side jane” oh shut the fuck up jake oh my god youre so fuckjng stupid honestly get a note maybe she wants to be more than friends but you a stulid gay himbo never said anything snd went off chasing one strapping fine cool kamina kinnie of a man i swear to god what the fuck is wrong with your life trajectory and thought process and general time management skills to believe that was a GOOD idea

———

dave was laying down on the weird surgeon table while dr pyrope was handsing around some weird sharp things

“i feel like fucking doctor frankenstein up in this bitch teeheehee ur gonna be able to have Babies i mean hopefully. i dont even know ur name but i call you the babies man now and everyone immediately knows who im talking about so if people start calling you that in public don’t blame me” she went on about

“i mean ok cool” dave responded honestly kinda speechless. was this all worth it? what if he cant have children. what kf childbirth isnt as funky fresh as he thought itd be. but then he remembered. its for the greater good. this is what he was made to do. well not really theres kinda a reason why he’s getting surgery, but thats besides the point. he’s getting surgery for the greater good of the WORLD. yeah his one future child might not help much but his one future child might convince OTHER men to surgically implant a uterus into their booties so THEY can have children and repopulate along with the women. maybe the women can get surgery to IMPREGNATE the men. it takes two to tango as they say

anyways, suddenly miss terepy stuck a big masky thing onto daves mouth and waved at him so he passed out. it was probably some kind of hallucinary thing so bye dave for now it’ll be a little while till he wakes up. lets go check on the others

———

while jake was having a fucking mental breakdown in the corner, jane and jade finished their cookies. just in time for the rose and rocksey to enter the ROOM.  
acutall,y, im joke, the two girls finished the cookies already. this time they finished BROWNIES. :)

"WOOOOOOW smells good in here" said the rock

"are you drunk again" said the flower (haha get it bc rose)

"im actually, DRINKING, small one" roxy said taking a sip from bottle she held

"i cant believe you sometimes oh my god" rose sighed, walking over to john. "where the hell is dave"

john visibly sweated. "im not actually sure. he wanted to have babies"

"excuse me what the fuck?" rose replied. she sounded a little shocked but her facial expression was super dry. like. bored. she's bad with emotions

"anyways" she continued "i guess ill just chill around here till he comes back"

———

> Wake up.

"what" dave said, opening his eyes "what the fuck happened"

> Oh, good. You're awake.

"who is talking what" dave said, dazed. dr pyrope was outside the room, otherwise he would ask if this is normal.

suddenly everything he saw went dark  
and a guy who looked an awful lot like his brother appeared

"dirk. what. what is happening am i tripping off shrooms right now"

> Not necessarily. You're being communicated to by me. From another timeline.

"you lost me at communication" dave said, confused. "what the fuck is happening"

> What's happening doesn't matter. I need you to listen to me, young man.

"alright dude my ears are open but i cant guarantee ill understand a word you say"

> The reason you've just had surgery to bear chlildren somehow is actually the preservation of your personal timeline. Basically, for you to have a successful life  
and the universal population to... not cease existence, you must bear a child.

"okay but why" dave said "im already starting to regret this"

> I don't think you'll understand.

"bet" dave challenged "im actually a lot smarter than you think"

> No, I know. That's why I'm telling you.

dave said nothing.

> Basically, the world is going to be bombarded by natural disasters, causing most of the humans besides four future children to die. Yes, this includes you.  
Said four children join a spiritual game that results in the future of your timeline. But, one of thse four children has to have special emotional restraints  
and requirements for the game to continue the timeline. They're called an ectobiologist. If they don't have these important psychological keys, they'll die,  
and cause the timeline to become what we refer to as doomed.

"okay bro somehow all of this seems eerily familiar but also not. how do you know all of this anyway" dave questioned "can you see the future or something"

> You interrupted me.

"well excuse me princess" dave refuted. "fine you can continue i dont care"

> As i was saying, unfortunately, it seems your timeline is going to be doomed in the future. This is because no children currently alive or predicted to be born by the time of the activation of Sburb -- sorry, that's the game I was talking about before -- have the requirements needed to be an Ectobiologist. Except.

...

> Thank you for pausing. Except yours and John's future hypothetical child.

dave coughed. "john? what the fuck dude he's my best friend i'd never-"

> Don't lie to me. I can see your thoughts.

"oh FUCK you honestly"

> Alright. Do you want me to leave?

"wait no i dont want my friends to die"

> Your friends are still gonna die. But if you do what I say, your timeline can thrive. Well, maybe not thrive, but at least live. Well- actually, no, I won't  
get into any technicalities. I'll spare you the brain space. Just know that what I say is pretty goddamn important.

"i trust you, man" dave said with a sigh "but i honestly dont know if thats something i can do"

> Then you have to bear the pain of being the reason your timeline is doomed.

"goddamn okay i guess we're guilt tripping now bro" the younger strider said with a sigh. "i'll do my best"

> You better do your damned best. Anyways, I think I've kept you disturbed long enough.

> ...

> Good fucking luck, kid.

———

a small young man runs fast

you know this man. this man is dave, but he's different now. he knows so much more thanks to the weird invasive spirit version of his assumedly dead brother.

he's running because he needs to get home as soon as possible. these future events that will transpire hold the weight of his timeline's future.

he needs to fuck his best friend.

"john you need to have sex with me right now or we'll all die and be the reason everyone else dies too" dave shouted, busting an emotional door down as he  
entered the house.

rose blinked. "what the fuck."

"oh god sorry sis" dave said "haha where's john"

"he's... in his room? though im not sure i trust you anymore" the petite blonde goth lady defended.

"oh GOD rose, please. it's really fucking important" dave pleaded "like timeline shattering important"

"are you high?" rose said "earth to david"

"im NOT high!" dave yelled. "im just gonna run upstairs"

———  
"dave?" john said, waiting on his bed as the depressed blonde college dropout barged into his room.

dave sighed. "listen. we must. copulate" dave stated, trying to keep his cool as best as humanly possible.

"what do you mean copulate haha" john questioned. "is this a prank"

"no john. listen. we need to have a child, otherwise our timeline is fucking doomed and we'll be dead and able to do nothing about it."

the buck-toothed barista stared. "what the... who told you this, dave???"

"dirk did" dave calmly replied.

"DIRK IS DEAD!!!" john shouted. "you're fucking stoned arent you"

"im NOT!" dave cried out. "god! why does everyone think i'm under the influence!!!"

"probably because you're spewing bullshittery right now" john ogled. 

"please just listen to me for once in my goddamn life" dave hassled. "this is really fucking serious and i dont have the time to play your dumbass mind games"

john sighed. "you sound serious..."

"WOW, NOW you think so. i cant believe you sometimes, egbert" dave scoffed. "sometimes you blow me away with your stupidity"

"god okay. fine. this... sounds important." john sighed. "honestly, i care about you. and this sounds really fucking imperative to our life."

dave nodded. "now you're getting it"

"i wouldn't say i feel,,, that way about you. but we're only in our twenties. we can... deal with whatever serious time stuff this all is, and then sort out our feelings later."

"i mean, yeah" dave thought aloud. "honestly you have a good point. but. the way dirk was talking. he said this was important from a timely trajectory."  
"i never thought i'd be saying this, but hurry up and fuck me, egbert" dave chuckled.

"i guess you could say... we're making this happen."

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas, and happy holidays to those who don't celebrate the former.
> 
> See you in 2020.
> 
> (Note: Ult!Dirk is the narrator, yes. Any dialogue preceded by '>' is him speaking directly into the narrative, if that makes sense. He was supposed to be a Seer of Time in this AU, but honestly I think Ultimate Dirk is good enough and powerful enough to have weird mindfucking/timefucking powers.)


End file.
